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What Do You Think Of This?
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Um this is part of my story called ‘different ways’. The protagonists mother has just died, although the man she called dad committed suicide a year before – so she lives with her best friend and her family… this is the moment when her dad comes back in her life. Just wondering what people thought :
When Julie Malone opened the door it is worthy to point out that she had a slight shock to find a Harley Davison standing outside not to mention it’s helmeted leather clad rider and total stranger standing there.
“Hello can I help you?” She asked politely. The biker took off his helmet.
He was a medium height male standing at around five foot eight, with dark brown hair which was drawn into a small ponytail. A hooked nose gave him a sort of ‘I am holier than thou expression’ although the dark brown eyes which stared out from his thin face were honest. And startlingly like Marnie’s.
“My name’s Jules McKenna,” He held out his hand. ‘I’m Marnie’s Dad.’
**
“So Mr. McKenna…”
“Jules… please”
Julie hardly ever found it difficult to make a conversation. Yet for once she found it exceedingly difficult. He was a silent soul, staring into the rim of his tea-cup as if searching for answer. ‘How do you know…’
“Lily?” He picked up the tea and sipped. ‘She used to be part of a huge gang of us. The Nutter’;s…’
“I never thought of Lily as a nutter… I just thought she was so composed.” Julie contradicted with a smile. ‘You know…’
“Westminster, that’s what Hugh and me called her. After composed upon Westminster bridge,” Julian joked. ‘She used to go mad. It was because she used to get us out of trouble with our parents.’
“What changed.”
“Me. We sort of had Marnie without planning her and I didn’t grow up…” Jules said bitterly, pausing to scratch Kick’s ears. ‘When The Dick met her a part of her died. Then of course Marnie put a hold on all of that.’
“Ah.” Julie saw a silent tear drip down his cheek. She wanted to reach out and hold him but she knew she couldn’t. This wasn’t a hormonal OJ or Angie or even Marnie she was talking to but a grown man. ‘If you don’t mind me asking where you were all those three months?’
“I live in Italy,” Jules searched in his pocket and withdrew a photograph of a small villa. ‘Me and my partner Lucy. I only got the message two days ago.’
“Marnie sent the message the day she died, everyone else made it.”
“I’d probably moved into the villa…” He sighed. ‘I wish I could’ve been there at the funeral… Marnie’s my little girl… we had a good relationship up until a few months ago.’
“Well… she’s due home from college any minute,” Julie smiled, although she could sense the fireworks which were to come.
At that moment the back door was flung open and Angie and Marnie walked in. Marnie was dressed in her flares and t-shirt whilst Angie was in her jeans and a blouse.
“Oh come off it Marn,” Angie was saying – although Marnie had frozen and was looking directly at Jules. Her face was taut – an odd mixture of anger and of a desperation to reach out and hold him. ‘Marn?’
“What do you want?” The voice came out as a snarl, and underneath Julie was sure she saw hackles rise.
“Mar-”
“Don’t call me by my full name its bloody Marnie,” Marnie replied harshly. ‘I asked you a question…’
“Marnie,” Julian sighed. ‘I only just…’
“Ha!” She turned away from him and stormed through. ‘Get out.’
Tags: Think, This, What
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Well fisrt off I found the conversation kind of confusing and sort of flowing into itself… I didnt feal the diffrence between the characters… I mean yeah in real life people arent all characters but most have diffrent ways of conversating… some do it with more body than others maybe think about how people really converse…… Now this is just a nit pick but no Biker would ever let anyone call him Jules…… I mean its the like the old country song a boy names Sue…. he would either go by a nickname or get in many many many fights making him scared and in your face. but thats just a complaint of my own…… As for your writing its not back but you could work on description.
take out ‘when’ and just put julie malone
this story is hard to follow, it don’t get the conversation that they are having. i would say put more detail and describe the characters a lot more.